In a strange turn of events, my daughter has gone on a spontaneous, three-week trip to Cambodia (as you do!) and my oldest son has finally gone to New York for a couple of weeks, leaving me home alone.
I am so rarely on my own that this is a really strange experience. Yet it has given me time to think. On the one hand, it is right that parents let go of their children as they mature, but on the other hand you miss them and want to be there for them.
Parenthood is such a privilege and a challenge. No matter what we parents get wrong (which is usually an enormous amount!), the bond is still so strong. Even as I am writing, I am have just observed a blackbird on my window sill collecting as many dead twigs in its beak as it can in order to build a nest for its next generation of chicks. Outside I can hear the male birds singing their hearts out in order to attract a mate. This reproductive and parental instinct lies so very deep in us.
Today I feel like celebrating my four children. They are all so different, yet the same somehow. Replete with great strengths and weaknesses. A curious combination of both mum and dad, genetics and society, joy and pain, free will and predestination. They have been through a lot, some of which I have shared in this blog before.
A few years ago, we went through an enormous family crisis, and most unfortunately, we were involved in a Christian sect. This sect tried to split our family up. They set everything up to take my wife and children away from me, even paying for the flight tickets from Germany to the UK. Tragically, my wife and two youngest children went along with this evil charade. At first. I was even instructed by the leaders of the sect not to go to the airport to say good-bye to them, can you believe it?
I will never forget that day, 1st October 2013, when I nonetheless secretly went to the airport to watch them board the orange and white Easyjet plane, flanked by two members of the sect. As the tears flooded down my face, I said good-bye to them in my heart, never knowing whether I would ever see them again. A few days later, a leader from the sect met with me and had the audacity to reprimand me for being so rebellious, sinful and stupid as to go to the airport in the first place.
The consequences of the sect’s interference have been very long-lasting. My youngest son did not see his father for one fifth of his life. The emotional scars are plain in him for all to see. My middle son had, amongst other things, his entire education messed up. My poor wife, who eventually realized that she had been manipulated by the sect into abandoning her two oldest children, decided rightly to return to Berlin and was consequently ostracized not only by the sect in the UK but also the sect in Berlin who all had to do what the sect in the UK told them to do. Just like in “Enemy of the State”, existences were deleted from the web, Facebook sites were abandoned – the whole sect shut down and shut out. So-called Christians in Berlin for whom my wife had sacrificed her life and family. So-called Christian friends, together on a mission for Jesus, for whom she had given up countless hours of her life, caring for them and offering such generous hospitality in our family home. Every single one abandoned her and to this day has no contact with her.
Our two oldest children, who were street-wise enough to see through what the sect was doing, refused to return to the UK and remained with me in Berlin, even though they were told that police would forcibly take them to the airport. They hid and slept on the streets for a few days instead. They too have been unbelievably damaged by the reprehensible actions of this sect. And I am still trying to work it through with them four years on.
Thankfully, this courageous family bond and instinct cannot be broken by a sick sect. Okay, we are still picking up the pieces, but each challenging day feels like a victory for love, grace and truth.
Am I angry and bitter? Not at all. have I forgiven these people? Definitely.
So what’s my point? First, on this beautiful spring day in Berlin I wanted to write a eulogy to my wife and children. I love them very much and I am very proud of them. Secondly, I would want anyone who reads this to be preserved from having anything to to with the pernicious lies of religion. I can promise you, especially if you are going through a hard time, you will receive so much more insight, truth and grace from the world than you ever will from any church.
Erm, I think I spoke too soon about being home alone. My middle son has just popped by and is hungry. Why do I have this feeling that I am about to kiss good-bye to that tasty piece of filet steak on the second shelf of the fridge?
Seconds later: “Dad, could you cook me that filet steak, you know, medium rare with that herb and mustard topping that you did last time? That was the best steak I ever tasted. Oh, yes, and with some homemade chips (aka fries) too?”
Yes, that bond and instinct runs so deep. The closest thing to altruism I know. It’s time, once again, like the blackbird, to gather the dead twigs and build my family …
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
Philip Larkin